Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1 - A bruised and battered snail goes into the local police precinct at 3AM in the morning and tells the desk sergeant, "I was mugged by two tortoises."
"Two tortoises?, replied the desk sergeant, "What happened?"
The snail replied, "I don't know it happened so fast!"

Joke #2 - A man is watching TV when he hears a tiny knock at his front door. He answers the door but there is no one there. A few minutes later he hears another tiny knock. He answers the door again but this time he looks down to see a snail. Since he hates snails, he picked it up and threw it out on the front lawn. Three years later, he hears a tiny knock at the door. He opens the door to see the snail who says, "What the hell was that all about?"

Joke #3 - An attendant at an insane asylum is walking down a hallway when he sees a guy hanging upside down from the ceiling while another is mopping the floor below him. The attendant looks up at the hanging gentleman and says "What are you doing up there?". The man replies, "I'm a light bulb". The attendant says, "You need to get down from there". As the attendant is helping the man get down, the person who is mopping the floor starts to leave. The attendant says to him, "Where are you going? He replies, "You don't expect me to mop in the dark, do you?"

Joke #4 - A young Indian brave goes to see Chief Flying Eagle and asks, "Chief, how do we get our names?" The Chief replies, "You are named by the first thing your father sees at the time of your birth. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

Joke #5 - A young Indian brave is summoned to speak to the Chief. "Running Bear," the Chief says, "it is time you become a man. It is time you have relations with a young squaw." Running Bear says, "I understand. What am I to do?" The Chief instructs the young brave that he must first practice and tells him to go out into the forest and find a tree with knothole and come back when he feels he has mastered the process. After three days, Running Bear returns and tells the Chief he is ready. The Chief then tells him to go to a specific teepee where he will find a young squaw who is awaiting his arrival. Once in the teepee, Running Bear finds the attractive squaw and immediately kicks her in the behind. The shakened squaw say, "What did you do that for?". Running Bear replies, "Checking for bees."

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1 - A tourist and his wife strolling the beach in Waikiki get into an argument. The husband says "It is pronounced 'Hawaii'!". The wife says "No dear, it is pronounced 'Havaii'!" To settle the dispute they ask an old man who is sunbathing nearby. "Excuse me sir, is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii?" The old man replied "It is pronounced Havaii". The husband said thank you and the old man replied "You're Velcome".

Joke #2 - A father catches his teenage son pleasuring himself in the bathroom. The father says, "Son, you know that will make you go blind". The son says, "Dad, I'm over here"

Joke #3 - A young produce clerk is approached by a customer who asks "Excuse me, but I would like to buy a half an apple." The clerk proceeds to the store manager not realizing he has been followed by the customer. He tells the store manager "Some idiot wants to buy half and apple". Just then he realizes the customer is behind him. He then says to the store manager, "and this gentleman would like the other half".

Joke #4 - A junior executive is seated on a flight next to his boss on a flight to Green Bay. To make conversation, he says "Green Bay. The only things it's known for is football players and prostitutes". The boss replies, "My wife is from Green Bay" to which the junior exec replies "What position does she play?"

Daily Laff - American Society Of Selective Amnesiacs Reports Robust Growth In Membership

Washington D.C. August 25, 2011 The American Society of Selective Amnesiacs (ASSA) today announced a robust growth in membership over the past year. The Society also reports a high profile group of public officials, professional athletes, and business executives in their rolls. "It's our greatest one year growth in membership since the Nixon Administration", says Maynard Carlisle, the ASSA's Executive Director.

The ASSA assists members who suffer from chronic and acute selective memory loss. "Our motto is 'I don't recall' ", said Mr. Carlisle. He could not remember how many actual members the ASSA has or when or where the ASSA's Annual Convention would be held.

Monty Python - The Argument Clinic

From The Onion - National Dating Standards Lowered

National Dating Standards Lowered

The Evolution Of Dance - A Funny Video Short

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1
A farmer near a small village in Russia needed a new milking cow. In the village he went to see the cattle trader who showed him many fine milking cows in his corral. "I take that one over there", he said pointing to a fine looking animal. "Great choice", said the trader, "that cow is from Minsk." The farmer walked his new cow home and put him in the milking barn. The next morning, the farmer woke up early to milk his new prized possession. He situated his stool and attempted to milk. No milk. He moved the stool to the other side of the cow and tried again. Still no milk. He decided to return the cow to the trader. On his way back to the village, he met a rabbi. "Where you headed?, asked the rabbi. "To the village", replied the farmer, "I just bought this milking cow and it won't give milk." "Oh," said the rabbi, "that cow must be from Minsk." "How did you know that?" asked the farmer. The rabbi replied, "Because my wife's from Minsk"

Joke #2
Two very intoxicated bird hunters were hunting near a hang gliding school. A hand glider suddenly came over the trees toward them and one hunter quickly stood, aimed, and fired. "What the hell was that?", said the shooter. "I don't know," said the other, "but you made it drop that guy it was holding."

Joke #3
A guy comes into a bar wearing a bra. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, how long you been wearing a bra?" "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Joke #4
A man and his dog meet with a talent agent. "What's the dog's talent?, asked the talent agent. "My dog talks", replies the man. "Okay, let's see what he can do" says the agent. The man looks at this dog and asks, "Rover, what goes on top of a house?" "Roof", the dog answers. "Great, now Rover, what do they call the areas on each side of a fairway on golf courses?" Rover replies, "Rough". "Okay, now who was the greatest baseball player for the New York Yankees?" "Ruth", the dog replies. The agent has heard enough. "Please leave," he says, "this is ridiculous." The man and dog leave his office. Outside in the hallway, the dog says "Maybe I should have said Mickey Mantle."

Coming To A Theatre Near You - Brokeback Stooges

Daily Laff - Very Funny Commercials

Daily Laff - Google Announces New Surch Ingin For Bad Spelers

Furst New Produck From New Teem Aymed At Largge Awdience

Silicon Valley, August 26, 2011 Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt announced a new "surch ingin" targeted at bad spellers. In a press release, he explained that bad spellers represented a "hooge potenshal awdience" for Google.

"Most search engines are designed for people who can spell correctly", Schmidt said, "bad spellers have been discriminated against on the web. We aym to fix that".

Google said the new "surch ingin" was the result of a comprehensive study conducted over the past year. Bad spellers were invited to participated in a series of focus groups around the country with great success. These bad spellers were asked to enter their own keywords on Google's search engine. Search results for words such as "cumpooter", "sofwear", "loryer", selfone, moovees, collage decree procrams, etc. produced either no or confusing results.

"It was clear from our findings, that bad spellers were unable to find anything at all, " said Schmidt, "This represents a huge potential market for us."

Google recruited the best bad spellers in the market to help us with the design of the new site. "Now when a bad speller "surches" for "travull" or "restrawnts" or "awtomobeels", they will get the results they need", explained Schmidt.

The new service was applauded by the Nashonal Asosheeachion For The Atvansment of Bad Spelers. (NATAFS) who said in a statement, "Finlee, we can be a part of the wurld wide web like effreebody else."

Comedian Brian Regan at The Improv - "Pop Tart Directions"

Daily Laff Exclusive -Google Reports Users Have Found Everything They Need

Founders Announce They Are Shutting Down The Site.

Mountain View, CA August 23, 2011. Google executives today announced that their users have found everything they need. They were alarmed several days ago when traffic to Google abruptly ceased. After a diagnostic analysis, executive said, it became clear that the site was in perfect working order.

Google then began to contact many of its former users. The response was the same from each user. They simply didn't need to search anymore. They had found everything that they were looking for.

Google then conducted a internal webcast to employees to announce that the site would shut down immediately.

One executive was quoted as saying, "It seems we just did too good a job".

Flight Of The Conchords Hilarious Music Video - "It's Business Time"

Daily Laff - Professional Bowlers Admit To Beer Drinking During Training

Des Moines, IA August 17, 2011 Steriods in baseball, blood doping in cycling, cheating in basketball, bad behavior in football. Today another major professional sport was stunned by controversy - professional bowling. The Professional Bowlers Association (PBA) announced the completion of a 10 year investigation into the training regimens of its members.

The findings have stunned the sports world. The investigation found that roughly 100% of professional bowlers drink beer during their strict training regimens. Most consume several "brewskis" in a single training session.

Over the ten year investigation, undercover agents disguised as pro bowlers, reported participating in nightly beer drinking training sessions sometimes 3 to 4 times a week. One undercover agent, who spoke only with the promise of anonymity, said "Beer was readily available at the alleys delivered to the lanes on demand. In some cases, beer was rewarded to bowlers with the highest score supplied, free of charge, by the losers. It was rampant."

The PBA said the investigation costs over $3 million dollars, but was worth it.

"Our objective is to clean up our sport and there is not a price we wouldn't pay to do that", said PBA President Orville Shankford, "beer and bowling don't mix."

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Joke #2
A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Joke #3
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

Joke #4
A guy's walking down the street and meets a friend of his. "How you doing," says the friend. "Great," says the other, "I just bought a new hearing aid for $50". "That's a great deal. What kind is it?" He says, "Quarter past four".

Joke #5
During an FAA investigation of a plane that landed perpendicular to the runway, the baffled investigator asked the pilot if he could shed any light on the incident. "No," he replied, " but I do have a question. Why do you people make the runways so short and so wide?"

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Joke #2

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Joke #3

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Joke #4

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Joke #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Joke #6

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"! he said , "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Joke #7

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Daily Laff - Top Ten Signs You Need To Go On A Diet

1. You can be spotted on Google Earth.
2. When arriving alone at a restaurant, the hostess inquires "Dinner for two?
3. When you weigh yourself, the scale reads "one person at a time, please"
4. You yawn and someone puts a letter in your mouth.
5. Your body has its own moon.
6. People attempt to climb you and place a flag on your head.
7. You are sunbathing at the beach and Greenpeace volunteers attempt to pull you back in the water.
8. When you back up, you beep.
9. People try to help you up when you're already up.
10. You're protected by the International Whaling Federation

Monty Python - The Dirty Fork Sketch