Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1 - A bruised and battered snail goes into the local police precinct at 3AM in the morning and tells the desk sergeant, "I was mugged by two tortoises."
"Two tortoises?, replied the desk sergeant, "What happened?"
The snail replied, "I don't know it happened so fast!"

Joke #2 - A man is watching TV when he hears a tiny knock at his front door. He answers the door but there is no one there. A few minutes later he hears another tiny knock. He answers the door again but this time he looks down to see a snail. Since he hates snails, he picked it up and threw it out on the front lawn. Three years later, he hears a tiny knock at the door. He opens the door to see the snail who says, "What the hell was that all about?"

Joke #3 - An attendant at an insane asylum is walking down a hallway when he sees a guy hanging upside down from the ceiling while another is mopping the floor below him. The attendant looks up at the hanging gentleman and says "What are you doing up there?". The man replies, "I'm a light bulb". The attendant says, "You need to get down from there". As the attendant is helping the man get down, the person who is mopping the floor starts to leave. The attendant says to him, "Where are you going? He replies, "You don't expect me to mop in the dark, do you?"

Joke #4 - A young Indian brave goes to see Chief Flying Eagle and asks, "Chief, how do we get our names?" The Chief replies, "You are named by the first thing your father sees at the time of your birth. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

Joke #5 - A young Indian brave is summoned to speak to the Chief. "Running Bear," the Chief says, "it is time you become a man. It is time you have relations with a young squaw." Running Bear says, "I understand. What am I to do?" The Chief instructs the young brave that he must first practice and tells him to go out into the forest and find a tree with knothole and come back when he feels he has mastered the process. After three days, Running Bear returns and tells the Chief he is ready. The Chief then tells him to go to a specific teepee where he will find a young squaw who is awaiting his arrival. Once in the teepee, Running Bear finds the attractive squaw and immediately kicks her in the behind. The shakened squaw say, "What did you do that for?". Running Bear replies, "Checking for bees."

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1 - A tourist and his wife strolling the beach in Waikiki get into an argument. The husband says "It is pronounced 'Hawaii'!". The wife says "No dear, it is pronounced 'Havaii'!" To settle the dispute they ask an old man who is sunbathing nearby. "Excuse me sir, is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii?" The old man replied "It is pronounced Havaii". The husband said thank you and the old man replied "You're Velcome".

Joke #2 - A father catches his teenage son pleasuring himself in the bathroom. The father says, "Son, you know that will make you go blind". The son says, "Dad, I'm over here"

Joke #3 - A young produce clerk is approached by a customer who asks "Excuse me, but I would like to buy a half an apple." The clerk proceeds to the store manager not realizing he has been followed by the customer. He tells the store manager "Some idiot wants to buy half and apple". Just then he realizes the customer is behind him. He then says to the store manager, "and this gentleman would like the other half".

Joke #4 - A junior executive is seated on a flight next to his boss on a flight to Green Bay. To make conversation, he says "Green Bay. The only things it's known for is football players and prostitutes". The boss replies, "My wife is from Green Bay" to which the junior exec replies "What position does she play?"

Daily Laff - American Society Of Selective Amnesiacs Reports Robust Growth In Membership

Washington D.C. August 25, 2011 The American Society of Selective Amnesiacs (ASSA) today announced a robust growth in membership over the past year. The Society also reports a high profile group of public officials, professional athletes, and business executives in their rolls. "It's our greatest one year growth in membership since the Nixon Administration", says Maynard Carlisle, the ASSA's Executive Director.

The ASSA assists members who suffer from chronic and acute selective memory loss. "Our motto is 'I don't recall' ", said Mr. Carlisle. He could not remember how many actual members the ASSA has or when or where the ASSA's Annual Convention would be held.

Monty Python - The Argument Clinic

From The Onion - National Dating Standards Lowered

National Dating Standards Lowered

The Evolution Of Dance - A Funny Video Short

Daily Laff - Jokes Of The Day

Joke #1
A farmer near a small village in Russia needed a new milking cow. In the village he went to see the cattle trader who showed him many fine milking cows in his corral. "I take that one over there", he said pointing to a fine looking animal. "Great choice", said the trader, "that cow is from Minsk." The farmer walked his new cow home and put him in the milking barn. The next morning, the farmer woke up early to milk his new prized possession. He situated his stool and attempted to milk. No milk. He moved the stool to the other side of the cow and tried again. Still no milk. He decided to return the cow to the trader. On his way back to the village, he met a rabbi. "Where you headed?, asked the rabbi. "To the village", replied the farmer, "I just bought this milking cow and it won't give milk." "Oh," said the rabbi, "that cow must be from Minsk." "How did you know that?" asked the farmer. The rabbi replied, "Because my wife's from Minsk"

Joke #2
Two very intoxicated bird hunters were hunting near a hang gliding school. A hand glider suddenly came over the trees toward them and one hunter quickly stood, aimed, and fired. "What the hell was that?", said the shooter. "I don't know," said the other, "but you made it drop that guy it was holding."

Joke #3
A guy comes into a bar wearing a bra. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, how long you been wearing a bra?" "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Joke #4
A man and his dog meet with a talent agent. "What's the dog's talent?, asked the talent agent. "My dog talks", replies the man. "Okay, let's see what he can do" says the agent. The man looks at this dog and asks, "Rover, what goes on top of a house?" "Roof", the dog answers. "Great, now Rover, what do they call the areas on each side of a fairway on golf courses?" Rover replies, "Rough". "Okay, now who was the greatest baseball player for the New York Yankees?" "Ruth", the dog replies. The agent has heard enough. "Please leave," he says, "this is ridiculous." The man and dog leave his office. Outside in the hallway, the dog says "Maybe I should have said Mickey Mantle."